Top Ten: Supermarket Scream
Supermarkets, don’t you just love ‘em! It’s so convenient the way you can get everything you want in one place without having to hold a civil conversation with another human being. Much better than when you had butchers, bakers and grocers all cheerily monopolising the local shopping area. These days, there is very little that cannot be obtained from the likes of Tesco, apart from drugs and sex (I know, I’ve asked) but surely it’s only a matter of time.
Just so we are clear: I love supermarkets so much I race around them excitedly, in an effort to get the hell back out again – and I don’t seem to be alone.
With that in mind, Reinvented Blog proudly presents the Supermarket Scream “Top Ten”. Not that there needs to be ten; I can only make it to three without bursting an artery:
- The 10 Items or Less Aisle
Being sad and single I often find myself with little more than a loaf of bread, a carton of milk and a pack of the latest rip-off razors from Gillette, so naturally I queue here. Trouble is: - This line seems to move slower than all the others. Not sure why. I suspect it’s either because they use the least efficient person in the store to work it (usually the 17-year old whose zits outnumber his IQ) or they stretch the work to fill the time available.
- You can’t help but find yourself counting people’s items, which makes you look suspicious and nosey. ASDA have gone so far as to rename this checkout “About 10 Items” but that doesn’t help. You just wonder whether someone who has, say, 13 items is guilty of a gross violation or just a minor offence.
- The “Ooh! Do I need my purse?!” Situation
This one drives me mental. You’ve spent the last 5 minutes counting and recounting their purchases, and when it’s all totalled-up the person in front is not the least prepared. I don’t like to stereotype but usually these are “women of a certain age” who obviously have nothing better to do. So they fumble around in their handbags to retrieve their purse, then fumble around in their purse to retrieve their card, then fumble around again for their glasses so they can enter their pin, get that wrong, and <deep breaths!> by the time they’ve finished you’re nothing but a skeleton with shattered teeth holding a pack of overpriced razors and a loaf of bread. - Retired Roadblockers
These are probably the same people who fumble in their handbags. Glenda bumps into Irene and – oblivious to the rest of the world – decide to start a conversation. Fine, but do they have to stop dead in their tracks and leave shopping trolleys strewn across the aisle so people end up squeezing past on either side while they recount their last package holiday to Benidorm? I think not.
So, what is it about supermarkets or the people in them that just makes you want to scream?
April 14th, 2005 at 10:23 pm
–Slow people: GET A MOVE ON!! You don’t need to study every sodding item in the store! – Find the things on your list, put them in your trolley, and get out of my bloody way!
And if you happen to push your trolley quicker than 1mph – it’s okay! – you won’t get a nose bleed with the velocity, and you won’t get a speeding ticket. Push faster, god damn it!
–Dithering people: See above.
–People with screaming kids: SLAP THEM! Sod all the unhealthily PC people out there: smacking is GOOD. It never did me any harm (apart from the 3 week bruises, and that short stint in casualty).
If the kid is screaming – you’re doing a shit job as a parent. Go home, read the manual, and only come back when you’ve worked out where the mute button is!
–People who buy too much: If there was ever a nuclear war, buying three of everything in the store is not going to help. In fact, you’ll probably be dead because you’ll be the idiot still unpacking the groceries from your car at ground zero while the rest of us are at home painting our windows white, and wrapping ourselves in cling-film.
I have to stop there. I think I need to lie down and think happy thoughts until my blood pressure returns to normal.
April 15th, 2005 at 7:54 am
I totally agree with all that’s already been said, but let me just add a few of my own:-
- People who stop abruptly, right in front of you, without any warning, and then glare at you when you bump into them. They usually do this in conjunction with another person, thus blocking the aisle (see Steve’s ‘Retired Roadblockers’) which leaves you hopping around trying to get through.
- People who ram their trolleys into your heels/shins, and don’t apologise.
- ‘Johnny No Stars’ shop assistants who look at you as though you’re from another planet when you dare to try to ask them where something is, when the only reason you can’t find it is because the bloody supermarket has moved everything round AGAIN in the hope that you’ll be sucked into buying something you don’t need as you’re searching for the thing you do need.
- People who hold up the checkout queue while they chat to the till staff about their mother’s bunions. And then they spend ages packing their stuff away so all yours gets mixed in with theirs, at which point they huff at you as if you’re trying to steal their cat food.
On the flip side, one good aspect of supermarkets is that they still sometimes ask me for ID when I’m buying alcohol